With so much to unleash the full, unfiltered fury of my hate, many of my friends have asked why I have not touched on the subject of “DoucheFags” as I call them. Douche’s are everywhere. In all 50 states, well, lets say 49 (I’m skeptical about Alaska) you’ll find a douche creeping. One might ask, “Mike, what exactly is a douche? or Douchefag?”
Chances are you’ve seen them, hell you may have even fought one, or taken their girl. A douche bag is a narcissistic individual who feels the need to unleash their idiocracy amongst the world/and or their peers. A douche bag is also someone who feels the need to “get ripped with their brahs”, call people “Brahs”, take homoerotic photos with their “Brahs” while trying to look tough. Douche Bags come in all shapes, sizes and colors. Many can found simply by going to your local shopping mall. Abercrombie and Fitch anyone? Walk inside, I DARE YOU. It’s here, you’ll find the ancestral enclave of all Douches. All in all, a douche is an idiot who has a preposterous outlook on what is cool.
So, much like my previous Bathing Apes post, I’ll forgo the effort of painstakingly describing to you in detail, my loyal readers – of what exactly MAKES a douche. What does one look like?
Below, your answers will be found…
First of all, you must learn and realize, that depending on which coast you live on, in this great nation, there are different breed’s of douche. Although ultimately the plague of their existence is spreading, there are subtle differences. Though some from each coast have been seen in each others respective area.
The EAST COAST/Traditional douchebag. These are commonly seen swarming the “Jersey Shore” and highly populated areas of New York, primarily the uptown area. If there’s rich people, they’re there. They’re easily classified with their overbearing tans, eclipsing the fine line of a nice, bronze look with a ridiclous ORANGE appearance, paired with obscene iced tips and popped collars. Many times they gather in night clubs, posing with puckered lips and holding their CAPPED bottles in hand. They can also be found sporting the latest line of their favorite designer, many times Ed Hardy clothes. They’re loud. ridiculous tacky and often in swarms, as in any douche. So, what do they look like? Feast your eyes on, “Joey Carrera” and his gang of douche goons. Together they form an internet sensation causing the spreading of hate EVERYWHERE.
Below is a great example of Darwin’s picture of evolution…noticed the little Guidette he has with him, how cute.
Below is a PICTURE PERFECT douche moment. Let’s see, puckered lips – CHECK, Iced Tips – CHECK, Dumb Ass Pose – Check.
The next pic is interesting..See, there’s stunner shades, and there’s plain out outlandish….
Ed Hardy, Puckered lips and gay poses =
Really Bro?….I’m pretty sure the cap is still on…
The fat one’s trying…
Nothing says baller like blow in Acapulco, right? The idiots couldn’t even spell it right!
Nice face bro..
They have a strikingly similar behavior to that of some Persians…
Now that I’ve properly schooled you on on douches, you know now see the stereotypes that plagues New Yorkers, and rich east coasters Alike. Which brings me to my next subject, the West Coast Douche/Afflication Fag/Bro.
You see, the west coast has a far more diverse culture of people, that doesn’t exclude douche bags. As a west coaster, I’ve seen plenty of them. Some like the East coast, “Bros” and Affliction fags. I’ll cover the affliction fags first.
The affliction fag is a plague that is spreading FAST. Like California Wildfires, they’re EVERYWHERE. They act VERY similar to the “Joey Carrera” like “East Coast Douche” but tend do differ due to their inability to afford the clothing “Joey Carrera” can purchase. Not to be out balled though, they pinch their pennies hard, hope wait and save for their $60.00+ dollar affliction shirts. These shirts have been made famous by the Mixed Martial Arts fanboys, and combatants who make tons’o’Cash wearing these outlandish threads. They typically contain some form of ridiculous archaic design, suits of armor, skulls, battle axes – etc. Sounds awesome right? The concept is most definitely sweet, the problem – The people who caught on to wearing them first.
Typically the people who wear these threads, are often found with a serious, “I’ll fight you” look on their face. Although they’ve never been in one, “Act as if” right? If you see, one, it’s an automatic DOUCHE BRANDING FOR THEM! The biggest thing that plagues these wearers, is that they claim to be huge MMA fans, yet many of them don’t even know what Brazillian Jiu Jitsu or Muy Thai even is. AMAZING!
Find the biggest truck possible, rev up those dirt bikes, grab some weed, Grab a Monster Energy Drink, and you’re favorite Bro-Ho, Suit up! It’s time to hit the dunes and learn about my personal, deepest darkest enemy. The Bro. The bro is a plague thats hitting this country HARD. You’ve seen them. Those tattooed kids who drive lifted trucks, wear flat-billed hats turned to the side and constantly talk about dirt bikes. These tough guys affectionately refer to each other as “Bro”. A Bro, or Flatbiller, is a synonym for a member of a Southern California subculture. The ‘bro scene’ is primarily centered around Rancho Cucamonga, Riverside County, Orange County, San Diego, Chino Hills, San Bernardino, and Henderson, NEVADA. The stereotypical bro typically listens to brorap-metal, metalcore, punk rock and pop punk — and wears flat billed baseball caps, Motocross, FMX, or BMX sponsor brands such as “Dickies brand” (and other similar style work pants), large garish belt buckles (iron crosses are popular), pulled up black socks, and skate shoes, but nowadays they wear “bro shoes” made by SRH, Skin, So Cal, and 187 Inc. Bros often sport many tattoos. Common bro tattoos include iron crosses, nautical stars, swallow birds, and word tattoos done in Blackletter script. Bros have become seen in increasing number since the year 2000 in the Pacific Beach and Mission Beach areas of San Diego. Most bros can be observed on the beach in one of these locations doing beer bongs. In the summer, they are often ticketed for public intoxication or disorderly conduct. They have been known to frequent the Fashion Valley Mall and shop regularly at Sun Diego. Bros are often spotted nightly at bars in the PB and Mission Beach areas such as the Sand Bar and Moon Doggies.
They are often referred to as Wiggers, or Rednecks and their styling cues could also be seen as having been lifted from hip-hop/Skate Punk style. Bros typically live in the suburbs and are known for consuming mass alcohol. Especially budwieser in a can. Preferably a 30 pack. Marijuana in particular has become a staple of the bro culture as shown by the popular group the Kottonmouth Kings who adhere to the bro values. Energy drinks, in particular the brand Monster, are considered a bro staple.
Other stereotypical traits also include, outrageously lifted trucks that only rarely (if ever) see dirt and are covered in Skin, SRH, Metal Mulisha, and SoCal stickers, flat-billed hats turned to the side at a 45 degree angle, backwards, forwards, or bent up, and doing Motocross, FMX, or BMX. Bros tend to have stuck-up, carefree attitudes. Those who identify with the culture enjoy going to places such as Glamis and Lake Havasu, often with the intent to ride motorized vehicles. Even at a party they get drunk and ride their pit bikes around.
Let us not forget that their women are affectionately called “Bro-Ho’s”..or “50’s”, if you dont get it just think. They are extremely hot and that is why they are with bro’s (because bro’s are the best). Notorious for their stuck up drama queen attitudes, fake hair color, and nails.
They are basically the equivalent of an urban redneck. Often bros are viewed to harbor racist attitudes, which is somewhat ironic, since many listen to rap music. Most recently, the bro population in many Southern California suburbs have been slowly decreasing, due to the subprime mortgage crisis resulting in inability to pay house payments. This is often blamed, rightly or not, to bros’ perceived attitude for living in the moment rather than planning for the future, characterized by uninhibited spending on trucks, tattoos, dirtbikes, boats, and a number of other “toys” that they thought they could afford but couldn’t, as opposed to investing their money in more prudent and lasting things like a college education. As gas prices rose in the late 2000s, more and more bro trucks were sold or parted out due to inability to afford their rising gasoline expenses.
They’re loud, dumb and typically work in the construction industry. Their interest vary, though share many core components in common.
Kotton Mouth Kings
MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS
Some of the pictures show what a “Bro” looks like. Much like above, I’ll further educate you on the apperance.
Repping the area code – CHECK, Skin shirt – CHECK, Bro Branding – CHECK! BRAHP BRAHP!
Pictured below, a typical bro gang. All holding brews, throwing up a middle finger, or some gang sign. All looking like dumbfucks.
pictured below…standard tilted hat, SRH Shirt….
Here we have, B-Hudd. A bro found on flatbiller.com.
They’re all the same, and I hate them all. They live in different locations, though all share a common bond. My hate. So to sum it all up…
“Joey Carrera” aka, East Coast Douche, aka, I have a really bad tan.
Don’t be these guys.