There is a higher power…Crocs to go out of business!

Crocs – the shoe for the kind of person who thinks books are too wordy, or thinks that putting something on your feet that doesn’t make you look like an asylum inmate is for other people – has recently posted that their financial future may not be looking so bright. Which is great. Because now people can go back to wearing proper shoes. And don’t give me that crap about “non skid” or “comfortable” or even “feet could breathe”. You’re not 4. You’re allowed to have laces and buckles and things that are confusing to other species on your feet. You’re allowed to buy grown-up person shoes. I don’t care if they’re comfortable. They make you look like a low-functioning elf.

From the report: The company said it is in discussion to replace its current revolving credit facility, which matures on April 2, but if it cannot secure additional financing and continues to lose money, “we may be unable to maintain a level of liquidity necessary to continue operating our business,”

Not even Mario Batali – who refuses to take off his orange Crocs – can really get away with wearing them. Not even Jared Leto – who has been sporting a pair of silver(!) Crocs – can get away with wearing them. Crocs are the bane of human existence and should be outlawed already if they were not about to go out of business. One day, people will look back and say “wow. those things suuuure looked terrible”. Much like the powdered wig, the fake mole, and the fact that no-one bathed in the 1700’s, future generations will look back and say “Those rubber shoes with the holes in them were for upper middle class people? What the f**k? Was that really necessary?”. It’s not like people who needed them could really get them, either. Not like you saw hobos wandering the streets in the affordable rubber shoes. Because a) they had friggin holes in them and b) I’d rather wear a boot with a floppy sole, too, if I was given the choice. Crocs are the single worst thing to come out of fashion in the 2000’s. We are not all Danish people from the future. We are not all Lilliput people, toiling away in the bubble gum mines in our brightly colored fancy rubber shoes.


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